Oh crap, I feel a lump!

It’s Sunday evening and I am off to take a shower before going to bed. For some reason I touched my breasts. I must admit I don’t do the once a month self inspection as all woman are supposed to to check for lumps in our breasts. But there it was in all it’s glory. For a moment time stands still and you think ‘Really? Me, again?‘ So I called my husband and told him to check if he feels what I am feeling. Unfortunately he did. I went cold. My first reaction was ‘Why this, why now?‘ We have an appointment with the fertility specialist scheduled for Friday morning. We are planning a 3 week camping holiday to Namibia in 2 months time. If this is breast cancer we will be canceling everything and putting everything in our lives on hold. This was supposed to be our year.

Needless to say, we googled some youtube videos to see if we are doing the test correctly. We were. And the lump was still there the next morning. Whether I liked the idea of breast cancer or not, I will have to get it checked by a doctor as soon as possible. I made an appointment for after work. Which in hind sight was not such a good idea as I was driving myself crazy the whole day not knowing for sure and checking my breast every time I went to the bathroom to see if the lump is still there. Just telling myself that there is no reason to panic just yet and trying to keep myself composed and not have a breakdown in the office. A work day can get really long! Add to that not being able to sleep much the previous night.

The doctors were 30 minutes behind schedule. And I was 10 minutes early. In those 40 minutes literally every scenario goes through your head. It is torture having to sit there and wait. The rest of the patients not knowing what you are going through, sitting there with a simple cold or flu. And you think, ‘life is not fair‘. I managed to calm the storm inside myself. Knowing I have made it through endometriosis and are able to manage it with the help of a good doctor, was somewhat comforting. I was convinced that I will be diagnosed with breast cancer by the end of the week and I made peace with it. Thinking: “I am strong enough to conquer breast cancer. I have an awesome support system. I can do this“. The scary part, people die of breast cancer. Not of endometriosis.

The doctor called me in. She asked the routine questions. Asking me about my personal and my family history. Off course I told her about my endometriosis. From personal experience I have learnt to tell doctors about everything from the get go, no matter how insignificant it might seem to me. Then came the part where she had to feel for herself. Her face eased up. I felt relieved. She explained to me that the lump feels like a ‘jelly tot’ and it moves around. Which is a very good sign. As long as it moves when you feel it, it is most likely not breast cancer (this never came up when we googled the night before). She also explained to me that if it is breast cancer, the skin on your breast also starts to look a little like an orange on the outside. Which she didn’t see with me. And there were no discharge. So I left with a note to schedule a routine mammogram and sonar, just to get confirmation. But she was 99% convinced that there will be nothing and told me that I can go to bed worry free that night.

I haven’t felt this relieved in a long time. My husband also.