3 very emotional weeks

Getting home I went straight to bed. On the one hand I didn’t want to face anybody on the other I still had some drugs in my system and in pain. Can I just say none of the 3 surgeries that I had was very painful, the pain cause by the air left behind in your body was awful. I referred to it as my bubble shoulders because as soon as I was in an upright position my shoulders would pain due to the air having nowhere to go. I remember having to tell my mom what the verdict was, and my sister and her 6 month old baby was also there. I was amazed at how a 6 month old baby was able to understand that something was not right at that moment and you could she on her little face that she wanted to help. I think the fact that all 3 of us were crying was a dead give away.

The next 3 weeks was the worst ever. I knew what was lying ahead and I googled everything from what the laparotomy incision looks like to the recovery period and more or less what they would be doing while I was under. I had to tell my lecturer what was going on and why I missed our ‘unofficial’ meeting on Monday and off course I cried because he was the first person I told out loud, without telling him everything. He was so shocked I could see on his face, he didn’t expect anything like that to come up when I walked in. I didn’t even tell him that I was going for a laparoscopy in the first place, I just took a long weekend. Then I told my ‘boss’ at the library that I will be taking 2 weeks off because I had a frozen pelvic area. Without crying. I learnt that if you stick to the minimum you are able to control your emotions with relative ease.

Off course also with these 3 weeks of waiting all these thoughts go through your head. Where did everything go wrong? What comes next? And then the anger of why me? This is so unfair. I remember loosing it in a supermarket one Sunday because simple things that we as humans build and are able to control weren’t working as intended. To give you a better idea, we were having a braai at my boyfriends place the Sunday for lunch and I went to the supermarket on my way over to get a few things for salads. And the cashier and the lady at the bread counter and the ready cooked meals’ section were sending me from the one to the other cause apparently no-one is responsible for weighing fruit and veg for the customer, at the end the cashier to whom I went first was actually able to weight my tomatoes for me. By this time I was so irritated at the fact that nobody seemed to be able to weigh the tomatoes that the store manager saw me and asked what was wrong. I just managed to hold the tears back till I was in my car. And this because I struggled to get tomatoes weighed. I think this kind off sums up the whole 3 weeks.

For someone who rarely ever cries, this was the worst time ever. It really didn’t take much to make me cry. It was coming from frustration with my current situation and the fact that I didn’t do anything wrong and there was nothing that I could do about it, but push through and do what the doctor tells me. Luckily for me I had a support system, but I very soon realized that constantly crying won’t help and that I had to keep my head up and stay strong because if I cracked everybody around me would fall apart as well.

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